


Ice Cream Social

by Nebulad



Series: Commissions [2]
Category: Saints Row
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Ice Cream, SR1, pre-rollerz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 09:32:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11848782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebulad/pseuds/Nebulad
Summary: Johnny, Lin, and Lucia eat ice cream and speculate about what they'd do if they had as much money as the people in Nob Hill. Things get luxerealquick.





	Ice Cream Social

“I swear to god if that motherfucking pipe-cleaner dicked ice cream guy fucked me over on the sprinkles I’m going back there to slit his throat.” For emphasis, Lucia stabbed her tiny plastic spoon viciously into her Three Berry Blast, which was only about one-tenth actual ice cream. Lin snorted, managing her chocolate mint cone like an actual and real adult.

“It’s fuckin’ _mostly_ sprinkles.”

“That’s not the point, Johnny. No shitty teenager is gunna roll his eyes at me when I say he ain’t gave me enough goddamn confetti.” Especially in the nice part of town where the normally shitty citizens of Stilwater— this time with money— were supposed to fucking know better. What ever happened to posh fucks being scared of bangers?

No one even knew they were up there, which yeah, that was what they’d planned, but also it was as easy as looking the fuck up. To be fair, if Lucia was just dicking around her rich ass neighbourhood being wealthy all day, she’d probably quit compulsively checking her surroundings too. “Look at these fuckers,” Lin said, like she could read minds. It cut off whatever Johnny was gunna say about Chad the Ice Cream Teen, but it didn’t matter because Lucia personally deemed the sprinkles-to-ice cream ratio acceptable. “It’s so fuckin’ glitzy in this neighbourhood and they all _live_ for it.”

Johnny sneered a little, actually physically biting into a brownie cone like he was raised by goddamn _wolves_. “S’why Julius don’t like us coming up here except to fuck with the Kings,” he said, mouth full. “If it upsets the shitty nobs then suddenly it’s like _Johnny, did you have to draw a dick on the side of that cop car._ Like he expected _better_ from me for some fucking reason.”

“He’s always like that, you just don’t listen,” Lin returned with a laugh. Lucia snorted and nudged Johnny who waved them both off.

“Yeah yeah, but whatever. My point stands.”

“There was a point?” Lucia asked around a mouthful of Triple Berry.

“Fuck yeah there was a point; these shitheads are _asking_ to be fucked with.” Eloquently, he gestured downwards with his cone-free hand as if that was enough to contextualize whatever he meant.

Lin picked up on it, nodding. “Like that one,” she said, pointing over at a gaggle of people who, in a different part of town, would be way too old to not be at work. “The one on the left just has a diamond bracelet _on._ Lucia could take that from her in twenty seconds flat and she probably wouldn’t even care.”

“Not as bad as the popped fucking collar beside her.” Lucia leaned over to see him and snorted. His pants were so fucking tight that his balls were vacuum sealed into them.

“Fuck him, there’s one with a _tiara_ on.” Johnny leaned over to see where Lin pointed, then aggressively shrugged his shoulders.

“Rich people ain’t got no taste,” he said, in complete ignorance of his frosted tips.

“Who fucking needs taste when you got money?” Lucia piped up, and both of them turned to her. “Come on, you fuckers don’t really think we’d be _better_ with cash? Fuck it, once you got that much who gives a shit what three bangers on the roof say about it?” Tiara would probably be the _first_ goddamn think she plopped cash on the counter for, and that was just a slow start to the bedlam she’d put Stilwater through for her own goddamn pleasure.

“I’d be more tasteful with it,” Lin said defensively.

Lucia raised an eyebrow from behind her sunglasses— probably the most expensive accessory she owned, and still only fifteen bucks. “So no tricked out cars?”

Lin was quiet, then sucked her lower lip between her teeth. “Yeah, all right, fuck you Lucia. I’d get the most bomb ass car this side of the country and no one could fucking stop me. But I’d do real shit with it too, and that’s the difference between me and them.”

“Real shit?”

“Yeah, like… fuck, I dunno. My parents have been renting rooms since I was little because they can’t afford to live there on their own. Buy ‘em a house or something, fix up the store— or you know what, fuck the store. They wouldn’t have to work anymore anyway.”

Lucia snorted. “My sister ain’t seeing a fucking penny from me unless it’d save her life. You gotta have some fucking _fun_ with money, _chica._ I’d buy entire fucking _dresses_ made of diamonds—”

“Is _that_ what you’re calling your sweaters now?”

“Hey fuck you. I’d wear a dress made of diamonds in a _heartbeat._ But you get me, I’d buy fucking solid gold forks, I’d get a bike that’s so goddamn shiny it’s a road hazard. I’d get all that lingerie from _Leather and Lace,_ the real expensive shit they keep behind fucking glass, and keep it in a walk-in closet bigger than my house. Who’s gunna fucking tell me no?”

“Someone probably should,” she said with a laugh, then turned to the suspiciously quiet banger sitting between them. “What about you, big guy?”

“What about me?” He had the nub of a cone left in his hand because no one had raised him not to bite into ice cream like some kind of numb-mouthed heathen.

“What would you do if you were rich?”

“I don’t know. Normal shit. Wouldn’t pop the fuckin’ collar on my polo.”

“Don’t be so fucking boring, _vaquero,”_ Lucia scolded, her bowl already empty but most certainly _not_ because she was a degenerate who bit into cold things.

“We told you what _we’d_ do,” Lin added, and he jammed what was left of his ice cream into his mouth.

Straightening his shoulders and then rearranging himself into an appropriate slouch, he gave in. “All right, all right. Now if I say this out loud if either of you blab to any of the guys I’m gunna set your houses on fire.”

“Yeah, you got the biggest dick Johnny, we get it. Answer the damn question.”

“I’m gettin’ there.” He suddenly lowered his voice, like someone would be listening in on three idiots shooting the shit. “So yeah, I’d do all the normal shit— patch up ma’s house so her and grandma don’t gotta put bowls out when it rains, get their shitdick fucking landlord off our asses— but with what was left—”

Lucia snorted. “It’s fantasy money, for fuck sakes, you ain’t gunna run out.”

“—I’d buy a bunch of shit and make a guy named Mike Rovings very, _very_ fucking unhappy.” Lucia frowned but Lin busted out laughing so fucking hard she lost what was left of her ice cream over the edge of the roof. “Hey fuck you Lin, that guy can choke on my fucking dick.”

“You’re _still—”_ The rest of the sentence was choked out in giggles, so Lucia looked to Johnny.

“Who the fuck is Mike Rovings?” Sounded like some fucking guy who drove a minivan, honestly; she couldn’t even picture how the two of them would meet, unless Johnny took said minivan and crashed it into something.

Johnny scowled, but it wasn’t directed at her. “A fucking pig, what else?”

Lin had to take a few deep breaths, but made up for his short answer. “It was back before canonization was a thing, you know? Julius just needed people who knew their shit, so we all had to prove we did; I grifted like five hundred bucks out of some dumbass street racers, and Dex was already running some phone scheme. I don’t know what the fuck Troy did, he was already there by the time I was. Johnny had to do something, though, so he figured he was gunna steal a car.”

“Classic,” Lucia agreed.

“And it went all right. He was almost back to the church, but—”

“Fucking _Officer Rovings_ pulled me over for speeding,” Johnny snapped, and Lin started laughing again. “Like, for fuck sakes I was only doing ten over but the big guy had a fucking quota. I was halfway through the ticket when he got tipped over the radio to look out for me and the car.”

“He spent six goddamn months in jail,” Lin wheezed.

“Holy _shit, vaquero.”_

“Don’t feel too bad for him,” she said, waving off Lucia’s shock. “It was a fucking county jail, there were barely guards. We visited him every week and he got out early for being good.”

“It was fucking boring, though!”

“He was so mad he was the only one that got caught, that he came up with canonization. Bunch of the guys were laughing at him and he just took ‘em all out.” She ruffled his frosted tips fondly and he rolled his eyes. “Julius figured being able to take so many hits and still be mad enough to keep going was what he needed in the new kids anyway. Johnny got in because he served his time, which I guess Julius figured was noble or some shit.”

“He ain’t gunna find no _nobility_ in me,” Lucia warned. She wasn’t going back to fucking jail, and if she did then she sure as shit wasn’t staying.

“Me neither,” he agreed. “Fuck prison.”

Lin snorted, lighting the mood a little bit as she nudged Johnny into the much scrawnier Lucia. “I don’t think it fucking counts as a prison if the guards let their moms take their shifts for them.”

Johnny grinned, all tough shit and swagger again. “Hey now, don’t talk shit about Mrs. Fields. She makes a _badass_ oven pizza.”

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing blog is here](http://nebulaad.tumblr.com) and [it has my commissions post](http://nebulaad.tumblr.com/post/162182264019/writing-commissions). This was a commission for [Leylses](https://twitter.com/leylses) on Twitter !! And also in real life, she even exists outside the Internet.


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